Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
