How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
