my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
