smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
