If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
