oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
