fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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