don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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