Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
