Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize