Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
