she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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