I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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