who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Houston, we have a blender
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
