I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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