he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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