Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize