He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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