I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
