So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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