i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
