my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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