Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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