I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
