matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
