I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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