Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
