I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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