He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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