Sponge bath it is.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There are leaves in my underwear?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
