I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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