So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
