We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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