I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
