it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
