You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize