Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
