dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
