some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
