dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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