I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
