I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
