Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
