there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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