how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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