Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
be right there i have to get my cape
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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