Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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