I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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