the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
