tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
