Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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