I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
