i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
