he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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