He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
