just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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