Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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