Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
