And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
