Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
