I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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