I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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